the day we brought you home, there you were. all 7 pounds of you. blonde as could be and beautifully tanned from the jaundice from dad and i’s ABO blood incompatability. you were asleep in your car seat sitting by the piano facing the window to the backyard so the sun could stream in across your face. we were at mimi and papa's. i was resting in the rocking chair that mimi and papa are going to give me one day. they just don’t know it until now. anyway, mimi looked at me. looked at you. looked back at me and said "take a good look at him bri, tomorrow he will graduate high school." i trusted her words because they were accompanied with tears. at that moment i made a promise to myself that i would journal and scrapbook and buy film in an effort to burn into my mind every single memory of you.
but although i journal, scrapbook, and take massive amounts of pictures . . . there are moments that i can’t recall. like when exactly you stopped smelling like a baby, or when you stopped requesting a bedtime story, or when you stopped sleeping with a light on.
suddenly you smell like hollister cologne, you read bedtime stories to brooklyn, and it's the porch light we leave on. then there’s the hair on your chin, showering with the door closed, using mouthwash daily, headphones sprouting from your ears, and the little fact that you are starting high school next year which is precisely what mimi warned me about almost 14 years ago.
time is slipping away from me. i pray my memory never does. and although i don’t know exactly when certain things took place, i know exactly how i feel about you.
you are my son. my first born. i love you.
in mommy language that translates to…
i love you more than a clean house, chocolate, naps, babies, the south, country music, hiking, not working and organizing.
in baylor terms that would be more than playing guitar, texting, café rio, band practice, itunes gift cards, hand me down books from papa and left overs from mom and dads date nights.
i feel like i did the week before i delivered you, excited and full of anticipation (which seems like yesterday ). . . which is just wierd cause it feels like you've been gone for so long. can’t wait to see you bud!
-mom
11 comments:
I loved this post! You made me cry! Baylor is an amazing kid, and you are an amazing mom! Love you 50 million!
Tears of joy and melancholy. Bri I love who you are! I love Baylor in part because he's a part of you! I know exactly how you feel. Where has the time gone? Where is my "little boy"? I can't wait for him to get home and tell us of his adventures. -B-
I just watched a home video of jonas' 3rd birthday party. I had to stop and rewind to take a double take on baylor the little boy. his little boy face and his little boy voice. I found myself wondering where he went, how it could be that he is shaving? Didn't he just learn to read the christmas list left on the table yesterday? this growing up is hard. I didn't know we were going to have to do it twice!
So that is my first grandchild your talking about there. I know I said those words, but I'm not sure I believed them as much then as I do now.
What cracks a Mimi heart in two is that there is so much ground between us.
Baylor, because of you I'm called Mimi by 14 grandchildren.
But you, the first...Sometimes I can imagine you still under the desk when I'm trying to work, in my mind's eye I see you having your first splash in the water on the driveway. Hunting your first eggs out front, picking you up from day care.
Do you know how much we anticipated you. Your mother and I went crazy decorating your nursery, ark it all!
Rocking you, buying you stuff, feeding you, driving to the fireworks and you grinning at me from your car-seat in the back of your daddy's car.
I saw all your firsts, back then, I rejoiced with your mom and dad.
Is that you at my door on Halloween dressed as a biker with a tatoo and a heart on your arm that says "mimi".
Then you moved away....your mom and dad still don't realize the pain I felt the day you pulled away. I wanted to see the rest of the firsts. I knew my daily days with you were over.
Is that you on the other end of the line, your voice is cracking. Are you kidding me? My nose is in your armpit when I hug you now, on my oh, so, tender visits.
What a blessing you are to me, you love me like you never left. I feared you'd never know me. Your papa is teaching you cords on the guitar now. It's just wrong for families to be so far apart.
My beautiful, beautiful boy, you stole my heart. Don't worry, I don't want it back.
I love you.
what a lucky boy he is. you have such a pure heart. i love all the details....
xoxo. :)
miss you.
thank goodness you are back! And irionic, both my big kids are gone this week and I can totally relate! Counting the minutes until they are home. Loved your post!
ah, made me cry:) i've been feeling the same way, even though neither of my kids has left me and they are still 3 and 1!
Well, I don't even have kids yet and I got all choked up! I remember my own mother telling me things like this, and it made me suddenly miss her so... Miss sitting on her lap in the rocking chair on late nights when I couldn't sleep because of nightmares, hearing her familiar laugh downstairs as she'd visit with her friends--like your mom, the way she'd scoop me up at night when I'd fall asleep on the couch and then carefully tuck me into bed--and give me a tender kiss on my forehead, sitting in the back seat of the minivan singing along with her to our Raffi cassette tapes... I can't imagine the amount of love a mother's heart can hold, but I'm familiar with the love a child's heart can hold for her mother.
Reading things like this make me excited at the aspect of being a mother one day in the not too distant future. I suppose I'll really understand how much love a mother's heart can hold when that time finally comes. Thanks for a glimpse into it.
ahhh it does go by so fast. high school is such a wild ride. i wish you lots of luck!!!
please let's go to lunch. next week. name the place, time and date. i'm pretty open.
i love that name, baylor. it's a good solid southern name!
I remember that little baby. I so remember you back then .. when life seemed simple .. to me .. but it wasn't .. it was just another time. My daughter holding your son, and now she has 2 of her own. I so can relate to your post. Like the others it caused me to shed some tears just feeling your unconditional love for your son, knowing my own love for my son who lives so far away .. and my daughter and her children only 90 miles.. but feels like an ocean. I love being a Gram-me.. Hannah has learned how to say it.. lol I love the feeling of Love.. It is one I do not think we will ever out grow ..
Baylor one day you will have children of your own and understand all this love your mom and Mimi talk about .. You are blessed have such wonderful parents and grandparents.. a legecy that not all children get ..
Brianna I am so glad.. that we met .. you are a friend I can never forget .. I love you and Brady.. and the family you have ..
Hope to see you again one day ..
Keep your Louisiana in prayer.. we are in some BIG trouble with this oil spill .. and now a treating storm .. we will never be the same..
Love you LisaMe your sister friend!
What a sweet, sweet post. It puts things into perspective for me with my boys. You're a great writer, and an even better momma!
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